LSD SESSION - Trip Report 1, IFAS-102

June 12, 1961

hear a Voice say "Fear not, I am with you"  and all at once I was on the couch again looking in amazement at my hands, stupefied because I could see nail wounds which were fast healing before my eyes!  I remember being impatient to continue, and at the commencement of the Bach Toccata and Fugue in G minor I found myself within the soul of a mighty organ, bank upon bank, the manuals rose.
The swell box reverberated, and the high bourdons and tibias gave tongue, every note crashing through me.  I was the music, and seemed like a giant harp thrumming with life and yet no mortal plucked the strings.  The music ceased, and Myron looked at me and his expression was most comical.  I pushed him to one side so that I could see the mural better, and God seemed to say "We understand things don't we?" and I agreed and suddenly felt very hungry.

    I began to be confused, I touched the mural, sure enough it was real, but red-hot!  On lying down again I seemed to be torn between all sorts of things.  I knew that I wanted to be a Roman Catholic Priest yet that wasn't true. Had wanted to is correct, but no more.  In fact I was becoming sure that religious sectarianism had nothing to do with God at all!

    It seems that here Myron handed me a rose.  It was beauty beyond imagination.  I saw it breathing, and ridiculed the fact.  It just couldn't be and yet it was!  I had to accept it.  It looked as delicate as Goldie's hair, no that wasn't right -- as my baby girl's hair.  As I felt afraid, the rose withered, yet as I looked at love streaming from Myron, and looked again at the flower, it bloomed anew.  It seemed to me that Myron was in tears.  I cannot be sure. I started to examine the pictures of my family.  Each one of my children had transcendent beauty.  I would have died for them.  I seemed to know exactly what each needed from me in the way of help to grow up.  I looked at my wife, and found that I adore her utterly.  To me, come what may, she will always be sixteen, always be all that is sweet and fine and dear in a woman.  All that I ever wanted in a girl was here before my eyes.  No matter what temptations should come my way, it would be always she to whom my heart will cling, until my last breath.

    My Mother meant many things, mostly pain and humiliation, and yet I knew that she loved me and still does.  I love her too, but I don't need her now, nor do I need a Mother/wife. I am a man.  My Father, I did not need a picture to see.  Harsh though he was, I loved him deeply, and he me.  I knew that in his own way, to me he symbolised all that was fine in the development of man's minds.  He inspired me to educate myself, he does so yet, since he was the most erudite man I ever knew.  A devout Catholic, it was he who started to teach the young boy me all that I must know to be a priest.  He had the patience to enable me to read really well at 4 years old, and to direct my quest for knowledge.  I was the cause of the rift between Mother and he because she would not raise a Catholic son.

At this point Ban Havland kept intruding.  I knew he could not harm Alleda or I, yet I felt so sorry for him, but didn't know what to do for him.  So I turned from him and studied my wife and children, knowing that I must be resolute and fearless, since fear could destroy them just as it did the rose.

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