A Result of Continued Application
A More Detailed Report
SESSION I: I lay on the ground (on a soft sleeping bag) in my back yard, looking up at the sky, filled with deep happiness, thinking I would be glad to stay there for the rest of my life. My being rose up and merged with the sky, then with the Universe beyond it. I became aware of the Void behind the Universe and was briefly alarmed until I heard the booming laughter coming from it. The Universe is made of Bliss, it is adorable, and since we are all part of the Universe, we are adorable, too. My sitter looked like a goddess to me. I've had some trouble accepting the relationship I had with my parents (now dead), but they were only part of the adorable Universe. We were all apples on the tree of life, and one apple does not resent another apple. I had nothing to forgive them for. (In the long run, it didn't turn out to be this easy.)
A little over a week after the session I realized that my psyche was letting go of the delusive image I had of my parents, and that it was not their fault that I'm the way I am. My resentment and anger went away, but also the pitying love I had for them. I also had major grudges against men, but as time went on I couldn't remember what they were.
Two weeks later I was denigrating the MDMA experience, thinking that Bliss was nice, but so what? I've never sought to get high, at least from using various substances, and it was hard for me to accept this beauty free of charge. Bliss is mickeymouse, it doesn't make you work for your goodies. I felt I had not lived my life well and was astounded that I could still experience the flowing Bliss of the Universe. By the second session I'd decided that it was stupid to pooh-pooh it.
SESSION II: During the entire session I sat and talked with my sitter. It seemed to be shorter, perhaps because of this. The length didn't seem to matter, though--the message still came through, and the message was all about Bliss. I saw that it had many lessons to teach me and that I would do well to learn them. I surrendered to it and knew that I would never fight it again. Bliss has its own purposes and is part of our natural birthright, something that has deep lessons for us. One need only accept and not resist. This was very humbling.
My first session was a connection to the Universe; this one was a connection to the world. I smile to remember how wise I felt in what I said to my sitter in our conversation, which was mainly about relationship. This is not a subject I am expert in.
In the days after this session I often felt Bliss bubbling up in me and I was overwhelmed by the Earth's beauty. Negative things started coming up, such as my fear of my own mediocrity, the fear that my life hurts are trivial, and my terror of being trapped with someone who doesn't see me or relate to me and who doesn't know there's anything missing (this comes from observing my parents' marriage). I began to come to terms with my life, apologizing to myself for not holding myself dear. I saw how lack of relationship has kept me shallow. I saw all my meanness, childishness, selfishness, shallowness--but by some incredible miracle the Universe still considers me worthy of endless happiness.
Between the second and third sessions I felt increasing inner bliss and ongoing inner opening. It's clear that this medicine keeps working long after the experience itself. I became very much more accepting of people just the way they are. The parents released by my psyche two months before began regressing in age gradually until they were cute little toddlers. It was impossible to hold anything against them. I felt that the whole Universe was somehow inside me and it no longer mattered who I was. The usual doubts came up; is it wrong to do this? Should I experience Bliss without having earned it? And how does one earn it? Happiness falls on me out of nowhere--do I need any more sessions? I decided to ask for depth in the third session.
SESSION III: This was total surrender to Bliss, to do what it wanted with me. I felt no effects for a whole hour after taking the dose, but when it came on it was very strong. I saw that Bliss is eternal, the true state of life, sacred--it can't be used for any other purpose. At first I tried to differentiate earth bliss from heavenly bliss but finally realized it's all the same. My whole being was flooded with it, expanding in all my cells. Each breath I took augmented it. Bliss is the essence of life, and I'm made of it, cannot be apart from it. At the end of this experience I said, "I'm back, but there's a part of me that will never be back."
Only a few days later my inner spaciousness revealed a hard floor in my psyche that seemed to be made of shiny, black glass. I wondered how to get rid of it and saw that only love and joy (my own and others') can soften it. Now I truly wanted love from other people for the first time in my life. My loveless life unreeled before my mind's eye--and I sat in bliss. A week after the session, the glassy floor began to disintegrate. I felt bliss and sadness at the same time. The deep hurts in my life came up to be acknowledged and honored. I saw clearly how I responded to my childhood situation and felt good, clean hate for my father. Since my mother inflicted pain instead of love, nourishment, and comfort, I decided I would give these things to the child-self (age 7 or 8) I found still huddled in misery in my psyche. I did so, holding her, loving her, giving her the comfort she had needed so much.
Two weeks after the session I lay looking up at the clouds--they told me yes, I am made of bliss, and love is not what you do, it's what you are. The Universe was roaring with laughter, and I wanted to know about sorrow, pain, and evil. Sorrow and pain are capacities we have. Evil is part of what we are.
A month after the session I saw that I had buried and tried to kill off my longing for love over and over during my lifetime. It had meant only pain for me, but I saw that this longing for love was a beautiful thing, and I must honor and cherish it, so I let it fly free. A week after that I felt negativity trying to return--something in me wants to stop the process, but it's far too late. I was feeling a growing inner spaciousness, a losing of boundaries, an expansion.
Nearly two months after the third session I discovered another little child-self hiding in my psyche, this one around three years old. She had hidden in the way children do, waiting to be missed, listening for someone to call and come looking. No one ever missed this child--she was still waiting, unafraid, untraumatized. I led her out to join the world, and me, again.
For my next session I had a nice list of things I wanted--expansion, self-realization, self-love--all very high-sounding. But two days before it I realized that the only thing I really wanted was to know love without limitation.
SESSION IV: This session was about love. I saw that we can't do anything but love, because that's all there is. The essence of the Universe is love. Its heart is the brilliant, white-hot fire of pure love that does not burn. It's the creative furnace of the Universe. Everything comes out of it, and everything goes back to it. I thought, "This is truly eternity." This is what I had wanted to know. I relinquished all my desires, thinking, "What else could I possibly want?" Everything else is trivia. It also was clear that this knowledge already exists inside us--we need only to be opened to it. I sensed another, bigger Universe behind this one, and the only way into it is through love.
I milked this experience for quite a few more hours than usual by lying still with closed eyes. It went on and on. One is not in a hurry to leave the heart of the Universe. The next day I saw that this white fire exists in my own heart. Was that where I had been the day before? Is my own heart also the heart of the Universe? Do all hearts participate in this brilliant white fire? I suspect they do.
A couple of days later I went through the usual misgivings, felt afraid of further surrender, wondered if I should wait longer between trips or even not have any more, etc., etc., etc. A couple more days later I had to give up yet again what I held against my mother--her abusive treatment and the knowledge that I would have done the same to my own children, if I had borne them.
To Be Continued.
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