Trip Report 5, IFAS 114
January 4, 1962


I shall never forget the day. It was January 4, 1962 and I awoke to a brilliant sunny day, following several cold, dreary days. This seemed to me to be an omen of good things to come. How little I knew at the moment, because the good things that followed, completely overwhelmed me as the day progressed.  For the greater part of my fifty years in this life, I had been plagued by guilts, fears, anxieties, hostilities and inferiority feelings which had nearly destroyed me. In 1945 I had attempted suicide and failed. Following that incident life again took on some purpose and meaning, but it was to be lost again in only a few short years.  For three years prior to taking LSD-25, I had slipped badly and life was rapidly losing its meaning, as before.  Many times during this period, thoughts of suicide again entered my mind. I was consciously and viciously down grading myself. I was punishing myself severely with all kinds of negative thinking and acting. I was calling myself a coward and a weakling. I was not only pulling myself down, but I was pulling my family down with me. I sank deeper and deeper into the pits of despair. I was drinking frequently and heavily egged on by the desire to destroy myself.  Those who loved me, were powerless in their attempts to help, and I was powerless in my attempts to help myself. Finally my confidence became so shaken, that I could no longer work. Only a deep abiding desire not to destroy my family, kept me from destroying myself.  When I first heard of LSD-25 I wrote for all the information I could get and it was immediately sent to me. I devoured every word as eagerly as a starving dog laps up food. Here, I thought, was my last hope but how in the world could I afford it? The hope of working out a way, coupled with my wife's undying faith, kept me hanging on until finally the money problem was solved.  It was with eager anticipation and a determination born
of desperation, that I winged my way northward to Menlo Park, California, where the great demonstration was to take place.  Something greater than I kept telling me I could not fail. Oh, how eager I became with each passing day. After meeting and talking with the wonderful people who were to help guide me through the experience, I became more and more convinced that my destiny lay in their hands, with the help of God. The first two days were spent in interviews which brought out all of the honesty about myself that I could muster. I spoke of all the things I could think of and of which I was not proud, but I had to do it. This I knew. Believe me it paid off.  I walked into the room the day of my salvation, with complete confidence.  Around me were three of the most understanding people it has ever been my privilege to meet. They were the Doctor, the nurse and Myron. I can only refer to him as Myron, because by then he had become a brother to me. How I loved these three people.  At nine o'clock in the morning, I was handed the cup of life (LSD-25) and I drank freely. At that moment, I was told by the Doctor that I was on my way. Little did I know what he meant, but I was soon to find out. To the strains of the most beautiful music I had ever heard, I sank deeper and deeper into the unknown, as my outer consciousness was pushed aside by this wonderful medication.  Layer after layer of man made self degradation was penetrated until at last I broke through into the beauty of God in all his splendor. When I arrived, I knew where I was. Nobody had to tell me. Feeling was telling me and at that moment it was clearly revealed that feeling was the answer. Words meant nothing except as a means of communicating with those around me, as I gave a graphic description of what was taking place.  In spite of all the beauty I was witnessing, as question after question was answered for me. I was having to grapple with something that had a great hold on me. I knew not what it was, until late in the day, but I knew I was in a fight. This great enemy was fighting me with every underhanded method he could devise, but with God at my side, I knew he would have to give up and reveal himself. I was growing weary but so was he.  As we engaged in one final struggle, I felt his hold be ginning to slip and my strength increase. At this moment I realized that I had been everything but a coward. I realized that I had been a very brave man. I was winning a great battle that had been going on for years. I just had not seen it in its proper perspective. Now I did.  When the enemy gave one last shudder and released his hold, the light broke through and I saw him for what he really was. The enemy was my outer conscious self. What a revelation to find that I had never fought anybody. I had been fighting only myself.  My outer self, filled with man made superstitions, fears, doubts and all of their kind, had kept the real me buried under tons of debris. The outer self had fought all the way to keep me from seeing this inner beauty and the inner beauty had fought just a little harder to reveal it to me. When it broke through in all its glory I knew the truth had set me free.  Now, five days later, I am able to write this report with increased confidence, self appreciation and courage. I also know I am capable of giving love freely and receiving it freely.  I also know that I shall gradually evolve into the kind of person I have always wanted to be.  While I know these things, I also know that this was not a magic cure. The slate was not wiped clean of problems and obstacles. Life was not intended to be that way. I only know that with every passing day, I shall be better equipped to handle what life has to dish out. I have become very humble and very grateful in the eyes of God and LSD.

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